.:2023

February 12, 2023

Current Thoughts:
Why do I read shit I know will depress me... -_-

Current Mood:
Sad as hell 3:

Favorite moment from today:
I essentially just woke up soo being asleep probably?

It's been a busy/eventful couple weeks since I last wrote in here! Sike. Ok well it hasn't been that *uneventful* either.. just been playng Hogwarts Legacy almost every day/streaming myself doing so! Streaming has been fun but I also feel lazy as hell a lot of the time.. it's been a good way to sort of break myself from my usual patterns. Though internally I feel like a child being dragging by their mom, kicking and screaming. Tbh that's a good thing and something I need to do more of.

Like for example, I really wanted to go to bed relatively early last night (around 11pm. but it's the weekend! I shouldn't be going to sleep that early). BUT I was looking at the musician sections on Craiglist, as I like to hehe, and was like "you know what. Let's fuck around with your synth you haven't done that in literal years"; I laid in bed and had the mental fight of "but I'm tired" vs "Just Do It", and the latter actually won!!!! Only fucked around with it for maybe 20 minutes (setup took longer than I thought) but that's 20 mins more than before

Point I'm trying to make is it felt good to do the opposite of what I always do otherwise. It's the small steps sometimes

January 29, 2023

Current Thoughts:
Truly my current thought is what to put down here lol

Current Mood:
I've definitely been better

Favorite moment from today:
Nothing yet--it's only 8:04AM

I probably shouldn't write yet as the day just started but I feel like I want to word vomit my thoughts; who's to say I "should" or "shouldn't" though? This is my website lmao. I think I'm still wrapped up in that kind of Tumblr mentality where regardless of how much you insist you're your ~true genuine self~, in a way you're still trying to be palatable to other people. Anyway.

I don't know if every time I write a diary entry, I'm going to do the whole status update; I was really distressed last night and I wanted to write out my thoughts in the diary, but it felt 1) ingeuine because of how upset I was.. felt like it'd be akin to crying, taking a selfie, then posting it online and that didn't sit right with me and 2) part of feeling ingenuine, I'd need to sit here and apply it into the code and make sure it works properly and I felt like. I'm UPSET and need to get it out of my system, making sure it looks appealing to the eye is not important right now; I never really wrote my feelings down.

You know, all that being said though, I should probably just reserve my really awful feelings for a personal diary, either physical or unrelated to this website. I really want to make this my own, I want it in a sense to feel like I'm talking into the void and because of that I feel at ease to say whatever I want to say. But I think I have to be careful with that as well.

Lots of thoughts, lots of feelings. I need to get my insurance in order and find a new therapist/schedule doctors appointments. Next week also now isn't my citizenship decision date as I needed to send in an additional doccument. I'm really excited for Spring, my favorite season. I'm tired of winter though to be fair we barely had a winter this year. Every year it's shorter and shorter. Ok now this is just a thoughtrain so I'll end it.

January 26, 2023

Current Thoughts:
It should've been fucking Friday today!!!!!

Current Mood:
Hehe.. I want to argue

Favorite moment from today:
Getting off work.. it's the simple things

Yesterday I slept for over 13 hours... I was so tired driving home, it felt like when you're in school and your eyelids are struggling to stay open. I just got home, kitty plopped on me, and I passed out until my alarm this morning for work. I think it's the depression but it's hard for me to ever feel like I'm "depressed" because it isn't like I'm sitting around crying feeling sorry about myself/thinking about my problems. Quite the opposite, actually. I delude myself of my feelings and repress everything I feel because I don't want to feel this way.

And now I feel detached, heavily apathetic, and a disinterest in my entire life. I keep fantasizing about running away from my life in the sense of getting a new job, moving somewhere new, etc. My dual citizenship decision is next Saturday and if that gets approved (it should) that'll change my life as I can leave America. Idk lots of thoughts. I'm currently watching S1 EP6 of The Sopranos with my bf. I hope everyone is having a good Thursday night and has a great Friday!!

January 23, 2023

Current Thoughts:
I need to pee... lmao

Current Mood:
Pretty neutral!

Favorite moment from today:
Being able to work remotely despite being sick c:

Today has been a productive day in terms of putting together this layout. I worked remotely today due to an illness, and I can't deny that I did work on this a little more than I probably should have... but I did do all my actual work-related things promptly!!

Sorta dreading having to go in tomorrow, just because I'm still feeling sick... It isn't contagious or anything, and I really do need to go in but it'll be a struggle getting out of bed Oh well. At least there's 4 more days until the weekend!!

Gonna work on the site a bit more and then watch The Sopranos with my boyfriend; 3rd time watching it and I've only ever made it to the 4th season -_- Hopefully this time I actually get through it xD